Category Archives: Life

The Spartan Super

Here it is boys and gals, I’m Bruce Wayne before he staggered onto Rhaz Al-Guhl’s front doorstep. I’m Tony Stark before stereotypical terrorists kidnapped him and he got a bomb tucked into his chest. I’m Oliver Queen before he fucked his girflriend’s sister and his boat got blown up and he ended up on an island and spent 5 years trying to keep his organs under his ribs.

I don’t know if any of these origin stories are accurate, and I don’t care – because I’m about to embark on my own origin story. My deadline is March 19th and my nemesis is the Spartan Super – a 10 mile run into the Nevada desert with obstacles like swingy ropes and slippy high walls and spikey low wires and sticky deep mud. I’m intimidated as hell.

I’ve never had to train for anything before. I was born with a four leaved clover shoved up my ass: everything in life has always come easy, so looking at this obstacle course and making the decision to work for it is a ruthless attack on my personality. I’m shitting on all the horseshoes and wishbones and 777s in my life. I’m foregoing luck and evolving into work and the more I talk about it the more I wonder why.

But then I remember. It’s time to 1UP. It’s time to evolve. It’s time to super.

I’ve got about 2 months to get my body prepped. To grind up my level before facing my first boss battle. Workout every day and sometimes twice a day. Running and calisthenics and weight lifting and so god help me I need to start fucking stretching.

Follow me on this journey because if I’m gonna work this hard I better get some damn recognition for it.

Jan. 1st Notes

  • We came home last night to find that our cats had completed their training as Sith Lords by pissing all over our bed, blankets and pillows. Equal parts sympathy and frustration for their fear of fireworks until you realize just how cold it is trying to sleep without blankets and then you just think back to all the times you almost had a good enough reason not to adopt cats or to murder them.
  • Woke up four hours later for work and didn’t pack for the gym. But I remembered it’s January 1st and there’s way too much content for my blog awkwardly waiting at the bench rack right now so I stuffed my sneakers and joggers into a backpack.
  • Warmed up leftover jambalaya for breakfast and regretted that instantly.
  • Stepped outside and the wind Darth Maul’d me like I was Qui-Gon Jinn. Riding in winter kills you a little. The wind clings to your bones like gum to a sidewalk. Harry Potter always got a chill when walking through a ghost. Going 60mph in January makes you feel like you’re just nailing through crowds of ghosts and you just have them clinging to your knees and nose for dear life.
  • At work. I never realized home many Americans make a New Year’s Resolution to go to their local retailer and bitch about the price of toilet paper.
  • The gym didn’t disappoint. Fresh faced millennials decked out in the ventilated neon jackets they got for Christmas, scrolling through Instagram photos to keep themselves pumped between sets. All these noodley teenagers who learned how to work out from the Special Features of a 300 movie. They figure as long as they go to the gym and text by the squat rack it’s good enough because in five years they’ll just get it all implanted anyway.
  • Home and I want to write so I write down the notes from today. I’m nodding off so I’m gonna post this and then find some coffee to baptize myself in.