With Sam Lobes’ romantic experience, you could easily imagine her sitting in a field of daisies picking petals in hopes of foretelling her romantic future. But instead of counting daisies, Sam pulls apart the English language through striking poetry and collaborates with a group of wretched authors, each intent on pressing their ballpoint deep enough into the page to make it bleed. This week I had a chance to pick at my fellow Crusader’s brain and risk spilling her laureatic secrets and blowing everyone’s skulls in the process.
When you first started your blog, what did you think it was going to be about? What is it about now?
I’ve always viewed it as a sort of online journal where I could write my thoughts and get my creative juices flowing. But in the beginning, I intended to use it more as a space to work on my creative writing. That quickly got pushed aside by my need to process my personal drama through words. I actually wrote my first entry out of desperation, at 3 am on my wedding day, 2 years ago. It’s titled “Today”. I probably should have known then not to get legally married based on what an emotionally hellish day it was, but I was really intent on making things work at the time.
Now my blog is all me, all the time. I sprinkle in stories and poems every now and then, but it’s primarily my thoughts and experiences. I think it’s evolved into an even more intimate forum than I ever anticipated. I never would have imagined I’d be writing and sharing half the things I do with complete (and some not so complete) strangers. I feel I have to put a disclaimer out there, that while it sounds like my head is a fucking hot mess of never ending drama, it’s only because I write my raw and unfiltered truths of the moment. I’m actually pretty chill in person. You try and write down the painfully honest thoughts in your head and see how sane you sound. Just saying.
You’ve had extensively exhausting relationships. Is there one you wish you’d never had?
This question made me laugh and squirm a little. I think it’s funny because I actually haven’t had very many “relationships”. Or at least, not to the standards I would consider a relationship being. I’ve had 2 serious relationships, my marriage and this last one with Mr. Nerd. Of course, that one was short lived and I never got to meet him in person, so I don’t know what you would call that… I have no fucking clue as to what to call what I had with Mr. Freaky, but it definitely wasn’t a relationship. There was the brief puppy love I had with my co-worker but that was an unrequited crush/friendship on my part, so I don’t really count that. Yeah, that’s it. The rest are pre-marriage and don’t count. Maybe it’s just the unique and intense nature of my recent relationships and my ability to write endless, pain searing posts about them that makes it seem like I’ve had a lot of them.
I realize I’ve danced around the question. Sigh. It really depends on where I’m at emotionally. On a bad day, I have wished I hadn’t had any relationships/whatever the fuck I’ve been getting myself into after my marriage, from Mr. Freaky on. But on my more rational and emotionally stable days, I realize that each of these relationships/interactions have been for a reason, even if I may have no fucking clue as to what reason that is. Maybe in the future I’ll find out. Hindsight is 20/20 after all.
You’re awoken in the middle of the night: what/who do you hope woke you?
First of all, don’t fuck with my sleep.
Secondly, if I do get woken up, it better be by a hot somebody intent on pleasuring me so I don’t bite their fucking head off for waking me up in the middle of the night. Orgasm=Forgiveness
Why will your name be in the history books?
As the beautifully tortured mental health therapist who wrote a book that is hilarious, heartbreaking, and riveting, changing the course of literature forever through her insight, intelligence and refusal to abide by literary rules.
Oh, wait, has that been done already?
Okay then, for being pretty.
Favorite and least favorite word?
Favorite word- Fuckery
Least favorite word- Homie
Your house is on fire and you only have time to grab one thing. What is it?
Valentine, my handsome little pug.
What is one thing you wanted to be as a child that you secretly still want to be?
Popular. Ugh, I feel so shallow just saying that. But my reasons are different now than they were then. I wanted to be popular as a little girl in order to feel accepted and to have friends. Now, I would like to be popular in the sense that I want to be a person sought out because I’m trustworthy, dependable, caring, lots of other really good things and overall worthy to be looked up to by kids that I encounter.
You share a name with my girlfriend. How does it feel to have the most commonly used name ever? What would you want to change it to?
I actually love my name. I swear I sound so vain, I know this. But I wouldn’t ever want to change it. Plus, the meaning, “listener” fits me perfectly. I’ve only met about 15 other Samantha’s in my lifetime. To me it’s not that common. But of course, I grew up in an area where Jose and Maria are like the most popular names.
One thing you’re too scared to experience in life?
I’m generally not a fearful person. I’m actually a bit of a risk taker. But probably trying drugs. I hate the idea of losing control over my mind and body, even if it’s just a little bit. And even more so, the idea that it might change my brain chemistry for good, scares me. Because well, my brain is naturally fucked up already, do I really want to fuck it up some more?
Sam can be found on her page Am I the only loser out there? and on the Conceited Crusade, where she posts every Wednesday or Thursday depending on your timezone.